So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
