I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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