hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
