while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He? As in you personified your dick?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
