Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
