I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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