my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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