i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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