: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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