end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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