I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
