youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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