I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize