watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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