Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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