recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
