why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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