Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize