Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize