I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
