We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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