Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
