her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize