I love black thongs
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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