at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
