Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
