ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
