Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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