he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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