Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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