god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
