True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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