Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
