the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
