I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
