theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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