Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I met the friendliest cop last night
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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