I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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