Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
