Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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