i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
