in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
