can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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