I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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