Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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