Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
