I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
