Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My dick has a subreddit
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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