Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
