Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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