I'm eating all of the evidence.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
