A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
