he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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