i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
