My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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