literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
