remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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