I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
