nut hugger
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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