my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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