I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
