I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
