i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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