I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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